the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Randomize
