You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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