is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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