Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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