Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
