I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
