There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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