Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
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