It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
