you would pick up someone in the library
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i've created a new STD.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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