Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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