She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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