Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
