are you still at the devil's house?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
