I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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