did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
