Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
