two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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