im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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