shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
