Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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