it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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