I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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