3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
