conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
