you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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