Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
