he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize