Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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