just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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