This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
