Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
