I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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