ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Two words: blizzard sex
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
