Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
