I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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