allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
