So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
