and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
