I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
