if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
