I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
