i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
