im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize