I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
