Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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