I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
