i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
