when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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