i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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