so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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