This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
