Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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