Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
