this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize