Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
