ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize