Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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