i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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